#WriterInMotion

Writer In Motion Blog Project – Draft 4

Writer In Motion Blog Project – Draft 4

This year, I am participating in the Writer In Motion Blog Project. Starting with a rough first draft based on the picture below, writers edit their work every week, making constant improvements. This week I am posting Draft 4 – The Final Draft.

Writer In Motion Promt

Writer In Motion

A Day on the Water

Amanda set off the flare and the flame ripped through the darkening sky. Straining on her tip toes, she scanned far into the distance but all she saw was vast stretches of blue sea.

With the still blue waters of Sydney Harbor far behind them, it would be only a few short hours before dark. Her step mum, Stella, and her father were shouting at each other below deck and she hummed to herself to block out the noise.

Closing her eyes for a moment, she imagined a dazzling white rescue boat powering towards them. But when she opened her eyes again, nothing was there and her head dropped to her chest, heavy with disappointment.

Freezing in her light, black blouse, she thought about going downstairs to get her windcheater, but the sound of Stella yelling from the cabin was enough to put her off.

 “I cannot believe this!” Stella yelled. “I cannot fucking believe this is happening!”

“Calm down, Stella,” Amanda’s Dad tried to placate her, “everything’s going to be alright. The rescue boat is on the way.”

“Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare fucking touch me! This is all your fault! It was your fucking idea! We’re all going to die and it’s because of you!”

At this, Amanda’s step-sisters joined in. “Are we going to die, Mummy? Are the sharks going to eat us?” For a moment, Amanda forgot her own distress; they were only kids. They must be terrified.

Amanda’s Dad emerged from below deck, struggling up the ladder carrying a bright yellow life vest. His face was heavy and lined with worry.

He squinted up at Amanda. “You better come down from there and put this on.” He held up the life vest.

Bristling with irritation, Amanda shrugged him off. “I’m alright.” She was nineteen years old and did not appreciate being spoken to like a child.

“Come on, come downstairs now. The weather’s coming in, you’re not safe up there.”

“It’s better than being down there.” She jerked her head in the direction of the cabin. “I’m not coming down till she stops carrying on.”

Ted gave an exasperated sigh. “Don’t be like that, she’s upset, that’s all. I’ve radioed for help, everything will be alright.”

“It better be!” Amanda jumped down from the mast, agile as a cat from years of gymnastics.

“That’s my girl!” Ted tousled her dark, windblown hair.

Amanda put on her life jacket. Electric yellow lightening split open the darkening sky and thunder roared all round them. Diagonal spears of rain pelted down as Ted and Amanda hurried into the cabin.

Bedraggled, they brushed the rainwater off themselves under Stella’s venomous glare. “Good to see you’re looking after Number One Daughter, leaving me to cope on my own.” She indicated the two children, whose sobbing faces were burrowing into her breast.  

Amanda’s fists turned into balls but her Dad cut in before she could say anything. “Stella, this isn’t doing anyone any good. Yelling and screaming is only upsetting the children. I’ve been on the radio and help is on the way. We just have to sit tight.”

As Ted walked towards Stella and the girls, another shock of lightening flashed through the high cabin windows. The yacht lurched from side to side, nearly knocking Ted and Amanda off their feet.

Ted raced into the control room and picked up the radio. The static crackled as he yelled into the receiver. “This is the Eliza Jane, do you read me? Repeat, this is the Eliza Jane.”

The radio spluttered for a moment and then went dead. Ted banged the receiver on the bench.

“Shit!” He yelled. “Shit, shit shit!”

The little girls started screaming and their mother pushed them away. She ran into the control room and shouted at her husband. “Do something, you idiot! Why can’t you do something?”

Amanda rushed over to the pale little girls and wrapped her strong, dark arms around them. In the chaos, she could not help but notice the contrast between her and her sisters; they were plump and translucently pale whereas she was willowy and swarthy.

Sobbing loudly, the little girls clung to Amanda. “Calm down,” she soothed, “everything’s going to be all right. We’re just having some rough weather, it will all be over soon. Sit tight until the rescue boat arrives and in the meantime, how about a song?”

She wiped the children’s faces with her bare hand, then rubbed their snot and tears off on her blouse. Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile on her face and started a rousing rendition of “Ten Green Bottles”, hoping the counting would distract them. She sung as loud as she could, trying to block out the sound of Stella and her father arguing.

A deafening thud came from the side of the boat, knocking Amanda and the girls to the floor. With her heart thumping, Amanda looked up to see the water pressing in on the windows of the cabin.

Maddison screamed and pointed her chubby finger at the cabin door. “Look! The water’s coming in!”

And sure enough, water was pouring through the wooden slats of the cabin door. Panicked, Amanda looked to her father but she couldn’t catch his eye. He was engrossed in placating her step mum, who was crying hysterically into his chest.

Amanda shook her head. “Typical,” she said under her breath. It was going to be up to her to look after the kids.

Amanda stood up and the water lapped around her ankles. “Alright, then, girls, stand up and let’s make sure we’ve got our life jackets on properly.  You remember what you learned in swimming lessons? Keep calm, and just float on top of the water.”

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Posted by naomilisashippen in Writer in Motion Blog Project, 2 comments
Writer In Motion – Draft 3

Writer In Motion – Draft 3

Writer In Motion is a blog event, showing the progress from first draft to finished product. Our stories are based on the picture below. This week, writers edited their stories following feedback from their critique partners. Here is my third draft of A Day on the Water. #WriterInMotion #WritingCommunity #amwriting #amediting #critiquepartners

A Day on the Water

Amanda set off the flare and the flame ripped through the darkening sky. Straining on her tip toes, she scanned far into the distance but all she saw was vast stretches of blue sea.

With the still blue waters of Sydney Harbor far behind them, it would be only a few short hours before the light would be fading. Stella and her father were shouting at each other below deck and she hummed to herself to block out the noise.

Closing her eyes for a moment, she imagined a dazzling white rescue boat powering towards them. But when she opened her eyes again, nothing was there and her head dropped to her chest, heavy with disappointment.

Freezing in her light, black blouse, she thought about going downstairs to get her windcheater, but the sound of Stella yelling from the cabin was enough to put her off.

“I cannot believe this,” Stella yelled, “! I cannot fucking believe this is happening!”

“Calm down, Stella,” Amanda’s Dad tried to placate her, “everything’s going to be alright. The rescue boat is on the way.”

“Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare fucking touch me! This is all your fault! It was your fucking idea! We’re all going to die and it’s because of you!”

At this, Amanda’s step-sisters joined in. “Are we going to die, Mummy? Are the sharks going to eat us?” For a moment, Amanda forgot her own distress; they were only kids. They must be terrified.

Amanda’s Dad emerged from below deck, as he struggled up the ladder carrying a bright yellow life vest. His face was heavy and lined with worry.

He squinted up at Amanda. “You better come down from there.” He held up the life vest. “And put this on.”

Bristling with irritation, Amanda shrugged him off. “I’m alright.” At twenty-three years old, she resented being spoken to like a child.

“Come on, come downstairs now. The weather’s coming in, you’re not safe up there.”

“It’s better than being down there.” She jerked her head in the direction of the cabin. “I’m not coming down till she stops carrying on.”

Ted gave an exasperated sigh. “Don’t be like that, she’s upset, that’s all. I’ve radioed for help, everything will be alright.”

“It better be!” Amanda jumped down from the mast, agile as a cat from years of gymnastics.

“That’s my girl!” Ted tousled her dark, windblown hair.

Amanda put on her life jacket. Electric yellow lightening split open the darkening sky and thunder roared all round them. Diagonal spears of rain pelted down as Ted and Amanda hurried into the cabin.

Bedraggled, they brushed the rainwater off themselves under Stella’s venomous glare. “Good to see you’re looking after Number One Daughter, leaving me to cope on my own.” She indicated the two children, whose sobbing faces were burrowing into her breast.

Amanda’s fists turned into balls but her Dad cut in before she could say anything. “Stella, this isn’t doing anyone any good. Yelling and screaming is only upsetting the children. I’ve been on the radio and help is on the way. We just have to sit tight.”

As Ted walked towards Stella and the girls, another shock of lightening flashed through the high cabin windows. The yacht lurched from side to side, nearly knocking Ted and Amanda off their feet.

Ted raced into the control room and picked up the radio. The static crackled as he yelled into the receiver. “This is the Eliza Jane, do you read me? Repeat, this is the Eliza Jane.”

The radio spluttered for a moment and then went dead. Ted banged the receiver on the bench.

“Shit!” He yelled. “Shit, shit shit!”

The little girls started screaming and their mother pushed them away. She ran into the control room and shouted at her husband. “Do something, you idiot! Why can’t you do something?”

Amanda rushed over to the pale little girls and wrapped her strong, dark arms around them. In the chaos, she could not help but notice the contrast between her and her sisters; they were plump and translucently pale whereas she was willowy and swarthy.

Sobbing loudly, the little girls clung to Amanda. “Calm down,” she soothed, “everything’s going to be all right. We’re just having some rough weather, it will all be over soon. Sit tight until the rescue boat arrives and in the meantime, how about a song?”

She wiped the children’s faces with her bare hand, then rubbed their snot and tears off on her blouse. Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile on her face and started a rousing rendition of “Ten Green Bottles”, hoping the counting would distract them. She sung as loud as she could, trying to block out the sound of Stella and her father arguing.

A deafening thud came from the side of the boat, knocking Amanda and the girls to the floor. With her heart thumping, Amanda looked up to see the water pressing in on the windows of the cabin.

Maddison screamed and pointed her chubby finger at the cabin door. “Look! The water’s coming in!”

And sure enough, water was pouring through the wooden slats of the cabin door. Panicked, Amanda looked to her father but she couldn’t catch his eye. He was engrossed in placating her step mum, who was crying hysterically into his chest.

Amanda shook her head. “Typical,” she said under her breath. It was going to be up to her to look after the kids.

Amanda stood up and the water lapped around her ankles. “Alright, then, girls, stand up and let’s make sure we’ve got our life jackets on properly.  You remember what you learned in swimming lessons? Keep calm, and just float on top of the water.”

Writer In Motion Promt

Writer In Motion

Posted by naomilisashippen in Writer in Motion Blog Project, 2 comments
Writer In Motion Blog Project – Draft 2

Writer In Motion Blog Project – Draft 2

This year, I am participating in the Writer In Motion Blog Project. Starting with a rough first draft based on the picture below, writers edit and refine their stories during the month of November. Below is my second draft entitled A Day on the Water. 

Writer In Motion Promt

Writer In Motion

Draft 2 – A Day on the Water

Holding on tightly to the spindly wooden mast, Amanda held the fluorescent torch as high as she dared to reach. Straining on her tip toes, she scanned far into the distance but there was no sign of a rescue craft.

With the still blue waters of Sydney Harbor far behind them, it would be only a few short hours until the light would be fading. Humming to herself to block out the shouting from below deck, Amanda closed her eyes for a moment and imagined a dazzling white rescue boat powering towards them.

But when she opened her eyes again, nothing was there. Nothing but endless blue water, the color of midnight, and the thickening storm clouds that joined it in the distance.

An icy chill whipped around Amanda and her blouse billowed out like a fluttering black sail. It had not been the best choice of attire, but then, she was not expecting this to happen today.

A gull swooped down from the sky, squawking in unison with Stella’s piercing shrieks. “I don’t believe this! I don’t fucking believe this is happening!”

“Calm down, Stella,” Amanda’s dad tried uselessly to console her, “everything’s going to be alright. The rescue is on the way.”

“Don’t touch me!” Amanda imagined her step Mum’s manicured little hands pushing her Dad away. “Don’t you dare fucking touch me! This is all your fault! It was your fucking idea! We’re all going to die and it’s because of you!”

At this, Amanda’s step-sisters joined in, their cries piercing Amanda’s heart. “Are we going to die, Mummy? Are the sharks going to eat us?”

Amanda’s Dad emerged from below deck, as he struggled up the ladder carrying a bright yellow life vest. His face was heavy and line with worry.

He squinted his eyes, peering up at Amanda. “You better come down from there.” He held up the life vest. “And put this on.”

Bristling with irritation, Amanda shrugged him off. “I’m alright.” At twenty-three years old, she resented being spoken to like a child.

“Come on, come downstairs now. The weather’s coming in, you’re not safe up there.”

“It’s better than being down there.” She jerked her head in the direction of the cabin. “I’m not coming down till she stops carrying on.”

Ted gave an exasperated sigh. “Don’t be like that, she’s upset, that’s all. I’ve radioed for help, everything will be alright.”

“It better be!” Amanda jumped down from the mast, agile as a cat from years of gymnastics.

“That’s my girl!” Ted tousled her dark, windblown hair.

As he helped Amanda into her life jacket, electric yellow lightening split open the darkening sky and thunder roared all round them. Diagonal spears of rain pelted down as Ted and Amanda hurried into the cabin.

Bedraggled, they brushed the rainwater off themselves under Stella’s venomous glare. “Good to see you’re looking after Number One Daughter, leaving me to cope on my own.” She indicated the two children, whose sobbing faces were burrowing into her breast.  

Amanda’s fists turned into balls but as she opened her mouth to speak Ted cut in. “Stella, this isn’t doing anyone any good. Yelling and screaming is only upsetting the children. I’ve been on the radio and help is on the way. We just have to sit tight.”

As Ted walked towards Stella and the girls, another shock of lightening flashed through the high cabin windows. The yacht lurched from side to side, nearly knocking Ted and Amanda off their feet.

Racing into the control room, Ted picked up the radio. The static crackled as he yelled into the receiver. “This is the Eliza Jane, do you read me? Repeat, this is the Eliza Jane.”

The static crackled for a moment and then it went dead. Ted banged the receiver on the bench to try and make it work.

“Shit!” He yelled. “Shit, shit shit!”

The little girls started screaming and their mother pushed them away. She ran into the control room, pummeling Ted on the back. “Do something, you idiot! Why can’t you do something?”

Rushing over to the pale little girls, Amanda wrapped her strong, dark arms around them. In the chaos, she could not help but notice the contrast between her and her sisters; they were plump and translucently pale whereas she was willowy and swarthy.

Dad couldn’t have chosen a more different woman from her mum. If her step mum and her mum had ever stood side by side, it would have been like looking at night and day. And at the thought of her Mum, tears stung in the back of Amanda’s eyes.

Sobbing loudly, the little girls clung to Amanda. “Calm down,” she soothed, “everything’s going to be all right. We’re just having some rough weather, it will all be over soon. Sit tight until the rescue boat arrives and in the meantime, how about a song?”

She wiped the children’s faces with her bare hand, then rubbed their snot and tears off on her blouse. Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile on her face and started a rousing rendition of “Ten Green Bottles”, hoping the counting would distract them. She sung as loud as she could, trying to block out the sound of Stella and her father arguing.

A deafening thud came from the side of the boat, knocking Amanda and the girls to the floor. With her heart thumping, Amanda looked up to see the water pressing in on the windows of the cabin.

Maddison screamed and pointed her chubby little finger at the cabin door. “Look! The water’s coming in!”

And sure enough, water was pouring through the slats of the wooden door.

Amanda got to her feet. “Alright, kids, stand up and let’s make sure we’ve got our life jackets on properly.  You remember what you learned in swimming lessons? Keep calm, and just float on top of the water.”

 

Welcome to Writer In Motion!

 

Posted by naomilisashippen in Writer in Motion Blog Project, 0 comments
Writer In Motion Blog Project

Writer In Motion Blog Project

This year, I am participating in the Writer In Motion Blog Project. Starting with a rough first draft based on the picture below, writers edit and refine their stories during the month of November.  Below is my first draft entitled “A Day on the Water.”

Draft 1 – A Day on the Water

Writer In Motion Promt

Writer In Motion

Draft 1 – A Day on the Water

The storm clouds are coming but she holds on tight. One hand on the spindly wooden mast the other reaching out as high as she can so that her torch can be seen in the distance. She stands on her tip toes and cranes her body as far as she dares; there?s still some time left, still some light left. She makes the most of it before the darkness and the rain.

The wind picks up and billows her blouse like a fluttering black sail. Hopefully, they will see it in the distance. Hopefully, it will contrast with the cobolt blue of the sky and fluffy white clouds. But then, white would have been better; white is the color of sails and it was chosen for a reason. White is for visibility and black is for camouflage.

Maybe she should have worn white today, but then, she didn?t expect that this was going to happen.

Down below decks Stella is screaming her accusations, running around, pulling her hair out.
“I don?t believe this!” She is yelling. “I don’t fucking believe this is happening!”
Ted is trying to calm her down, he puts his arms around her but she pushes him away.

“Don?t touch me!” She yells. “Don?t you dare fucking touch me! This is all your fault! It was your fucking idea! We?re all going to die and it?s because of you!”
The children start their howling and waves lap the side of the yacht.

The still blue waters of Sydney Harbour are long gone and now they are on the open sea.

Not daring to look down on the murky depths below, Amanda focuses on the patches of bright blue sky because your thoughts manifest in reality. Isn?t that right? You become what you believe and your future is limited only by your dreams.

And so Amanda held her torch high and visualized a rescue boat coming over the horizon. She hummed to herself to block out the screaming below.
Ted’s heavy footsteps got closer and he came and stood under the mast. Looking down from above, the bald patches he tried to hide were glaringly obvious and his face was heavy with worry.

“You right up there?” He asked Amanda.

“All good,” she said, “sounds like they’re all freaking out down there.”

Ted shook his head, “I’ve radioed for help, that’s all I can do. There’ll be someone along soon.”
He held a bright yellow life jacket up. “Here, you better put this on, just in case.”
He reached as far as he could but it wasn’t far enough. Amanda had to come down to get it.

“Thanks,” she said, putting it on, “I should have thought of that earlier.”

Out of nowhere the wind picked up and rain pelted down in hard diagonal spears. The dark waves picked up, buffeting the yacht and it lurched from side to side. Stella and the children were screaming as Ted and Amanda hurried below decks.

Stella looked at them accusingly as they entered the cabin. ?Where the Hell have you been! Leaving me to cope on my own.? She indicated the two children, whose sobbing faces were burrowing into her breast. ?You’re supposed to be looking after them!? She shot Amanda a menancing look. “That’s what I?m paying you for!”

“Sorry,” said Amanda, “I was up on the mast with the torch, I thought it might attract attention.”

Stella scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Fucking useless! I don?t know what I ever hired you for.”

The color rose in Amanda?s cheeks. She didn?t sign up for this. She was meant to be accompanying the family on their annual boating holiday, looking after the kids so the parents could relax. It was meant to be a nice, cruisey assignment, not being lost on the open sea.

Amanda’s fists turned into balls and as she opened her mouth to speak Ted cut in.

“Stella, this isn?t doing anyone any good. Yelling and screaming is only upsetting the children. I?ve been on the radio and help is on the way. We just have to sit tight.”

A crash of lightening sounded all around them, flashing through the high cabin windows like someone turning on and off the light switch. The yacht lurched from side to side, jostling Amanda and the children on their seat and almost knocking Amanda and Ted off their feet.

Ted raced to the pilot?s room and picked up the radio. The static crackled from the radio as he yelled into the receiver.

“This is the Eliza Jane, do you read me. Repeat, this is the Eliza Jane.”

The static crackled for a moment and then it went dead. Ted banged the receiver on the bench to try and make it work.
“Shit!” He yelled. “Shit, shit shit!”

The children started screaming. “Are we going to die, Mummy? Are we going to die? Are there sharks in the water? Are they going to eat us?”

Stella pushed the children away and ran into the pilot room with Ted. In a frenzy, she started pummeling her fists on his back, screaming obscenities and blaming him for the whole thing.

Amanda rushed toward the children and put her arms around them.

“Calm down,” she soothed, “everything’s going to be all right. We?re just having some rough weather, it will all be over soon. Sit tight until the rescue boat arrives and in the meantime, how about a song?”

She wiped the children?s faces with her bare hand, then rubbed their snot and tears off on her blouse. Taking a deep breath and forcing a smile on her face she launched into her best rendition of their favourite song.

Just then, a big wave hit the side of the yacht, pushing the cabin to a 45 degree angle. Amanda and the children tipped forward and when she looked up, she could see the swelling sea water pushing in on the windows of the cab and seeping in from around the seals.

Timothy screamed and pointed to the cabin door. “Look! The waters coming in!”

Amanda turned in shock to the sound of the running water and was horrified at the water pouring in through the concertina slats of the wooden door.
“Alright, kids.” She said, “stand up and let’s make sure we’ve got our life jackets on properly.  You remember what you learned in swimming lessons? Keep calm, and just float on top of the water.”

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Posted by naomilisashippen in Writer in Motion Blog Project, 0 comments